E-Gherming, The New Music-biz No-no...

As in all businesses, the most important and essential contributors to our success in show-biz come from the personal relationships we develop and maintain over the course of our careers.
Someone put it very succinctly when he or she said: "It's not about who
you know; it's about who knows you." To take that very truthful statement
a little bit further: It's not just about who knows you, it's about who likes
you, who trusts that you can take the bad news with the good, and who can
depend on you to give your all and perform at a truly professional level every
time you're called upon to deliver the goods.

Yes, Willy Loman was right. Not only should you seek to be recognized for your
individual gifts, you should strive be "well liked," too. Sure, there
are some notorious A-holes who have somehow bullied their way through to the
top and remained there using tactics of manipulation and intimidation. These
insecure egomaniacs surround themselves with "yes" people,
subservients who live in constant fear of losing their jobs, their connections
to, and/or their influence over the cult of personality. But, I think most
folks agree that is no way to live. Life's too short to spend it burgeoning a
rep as a greedy monster or, worse yet, as a lap dog to a mean-spirited master. For
the most part, the folks who have sustained creative and/or business success
are the ones who are capable of at least painting on a charming veneer. It may
only be skin deep, but they usually refrain from exposing the self-serving cad
hiding below the surface. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that every
successful person in this dog-eat-dog game is actually a jerk. There are a
whole lot of genuinely nice, caring, compassionate people in the music biz,
too.

This leads me to a friend request I received just the other day from a
gentleman whose name I did not recognize. Chad (not his real name) and I had
dozens of mutual friends, so I felt safe accepting his invite to connect as
Facebook pals. Curious, the nomenclature of much of the Internet social
network: "Friends," not "connections." As if we all are
capable of carrying on thousands of friendships, most of which are with people
we will probably never meet in the flesh. Anyway, I accepted Chad as a
"friend." Within hours he sent me a FB message: "THANKS FOR
BFING ME , CHECK OUT MY SONGS"

I don't know if other music-biz pros feel the same way, but here's what really
irks me: getting an email, or a post, or a personal message from an aspiring songwriter
or recording artist instructing me to "Go to my reverbnation (MySpace,
personal website, whatever) page and listen to my stuff." The presumption
that I have the time or the inclination to click a link and spend a half hour
wading through a half dozen songs by someone I've never heard of is, quite
frankly, disrespectful and offensive to me. Arrogant? Maybe, but it's true. I'm
busy. My time is at a premium. And, lots of songwriters pay me their hard
earned cash to coach them, and offer my constructive criticism. "CHECK OUT
MY SONGS" is the equivalent of walking up to a dentist at a cocktail party
and saying, "Hey, Doc, take a look at this? Is this an abscess?" This
is precisely the same brand of obnoxious as the overly ambitious newbie who
aggressively corners a top producer or publisher at a conference and forces a
CD and/or a business card into his or her hand. This kind of uncouth behavior
has a very unattractive name: "gherming." And those who practice it
are deserving of the moniker, "gherm."

So, I warned my brand new FB pal, Chad, that "e-gherming" was uncool
and suggested that he stop doing it, to which he responded: "CALL IT WHAT
YOU WILL , IT IS WHAT IT IS" Now, remember, I don't know this guy from
Adam. Well, I know a few guys named Adam, and I know Chad is not one of them,
but you know what I mean. Anyway, I have no reason to give Chad any slack,
because he's already made a rather toxic impression on me. Then, he followed up
quickly with yet another post: "WHAT THE HELL IS E-GHERMING , I NEED TO
KNOW,SO I CAN NOT BE COOL"

I explained to Chad that "CHECK OUT MY SONGS" was not the way to get
an industry pro interested. In Nashville, you can't swing a cat without hitting
another aspiring songwriter. (Not that I'm inclined to cat swinging, or any
other kind of swinging for that matter.) Nearly everybody has a bunch of
original songs and nearly everybody is trying to get those songs heard.
However, as I detail in my new book, The
Absolute Essentials of Songwriting Success (Alfred Publishing, 2010),
getting your songs heard is not enough. Songwriters only find success when they
get their songs heard by somebody who cares, somebody in a decision-making
capacity who wants them to succeed more than any other writer. You want your
songs to be heard by somebody who can influence the outcome, but who is also
motivated to like your compositions more than the thousands of others competing
for the same slots. Chad had already become the raspberry seed in my wisdom
tooth by blatantly offending me. In return, I had given him some solid,
constructive advice on how not to immediately torch a potentially beneficial
bridge. Was Chad receptive to my free career counseling? Absolutely not.

This was dear Chad's response (spelling intact, asterisk is mine): "bull
sh*t I dont care who you are , i never said i had any tast,if i did i would not
ask you to be my freind" This of course begs the question as to why he
wanted to "friend" me in the first place. If he doesn't really care
who I am, and if he is also aware that he has no discretion in regard to his
friendships, then why would he want me to "CHECK OUT HIS SONGS?" What,
after all, would me listening to his stuff accomplish? After dashing off a
response that included my off-the-cuff observation that Chad must be a very
self-destructive fellow, I terminated our day-old "friendship" post
haste.

Chad has more than 1,000 FB friends. Perhaps he treats his other online pals
with more diplomacy and greater respect, or maybe they are more forgiving of
his insolence. Maybe those other folks even find his lack of social skills
charmingly rebellious. I ain't got time for that stuff myself. And, I'm quite
sure that most true pros in the music biz feel the same way. We want to
associate ourselves with talented, hard-working, humble, yet confident people,
who are willing to do anything and everything it takes to create and build
their own success. A big part of "what it takes" is patience. When
you meet somebody you think just might help you get another rung up the ladder,
don't push it. You start by making a positive impression. As you walk away from
that first chance meeting, you want that person to be thinking, "What a
nice young feller, I wonder if he writes great songs." What you don't want
to do is to send your new show-biz acquaintance rushing to the nearest rest
room to scrub off your aggressive, obnoxious stink. You certainly desire to
make a memorable impact, but you want that recollection to be a pleasant one.
The goal is not to score a walk-off, grand-slam homer on your first swing, but
to be invited back into the conversation the next time. Relationships take time
to develop and cultivate. Then, once established, they require periodic
maintenance and careful nurturing.

The Internet has vastly expanded our networking opportunities, offering more
and greater potential to make new connections all over the world. To abuse that
incredible opportunity for whatever reason is beyond foolish. Presumptuousness,
rudeness, and disrespect broadcasts a person's propensity for stupidity,
cruelty, and self-destruction to a worldwide audience and can taint a person’s
reputation permanently. Once it’s there, you can't run away from it. I have
made some huge mistakes in my life. Several of my gaffs became somewhat
notorious in certain circles. The most notable was probably the day I offended
Clive Davis so blatantly that he immediately withdrew his offer of a recording
contract with Arista Records. (An account of this blighted chapter from my
checkered past is detailed in my book, Makin'
Stuff Up.) I try to be much more careful these days. Popping off in an
email or impulsively posting something in an online forum can lead to a
firestorm of negative energy pointed in your direction. Take it from me. I've
faced the flames of scorn more times than I care to discuss.

Relationships. Cultivate them. Do not disregard the people in your life who
might potentially open the door to success. Before you flash out in anger (or
to protect your fragile ego) take a deep breath. Swallow your pride. Try to be
nice. We pros like nice people, considerate, respectful, gracious, and grateful
people. There, there, Chad. Sorry, you blew it with me. I'm sure you won't lose
any sleep over it. But, then again, neither will I.

Tags: bishop, business, facebook, gherming, loman, music, music-biz, rand, relationships, show-biz, More…songwriting, success, willy

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Comment by Pete Warren on April 9, 2011 at 10:21pm: That story reinforces what I said about people being very nervous as they make the approach. That "It's really good" comment is a dumb one for sure. I bet the guy walked away and asked himself, "why the heck did I say that?" I've done it. If you've not, well, you're probably very unique. Think back. Was there ever a time when you did the Nashville Handshake in a not-so-professional way?

I went to the NARAS sponsored evening with Phil Ramone about a year or two ago, hosted at Oceanway Nashville. I wore jeans and a basic shirt. I probably looked very normal. Lots of folks there had their hair tossed up, their high heels on (I'm referring to the guys), their best halter tops (again), leather jackets, etc... Everyone looking as badarse as they could. More than half of them holding at least one copy of a disk of some sorts in their hands. There was a bucket in the room for people to put their disks in. I only spoke to one or two people who spoke to me. I sat back and watched the behavior. I saw some major names in the room. People circled around them and handed those folks additional copies of their disks, pulled from jacket pockets. Several people worked the room, moving from herd to herd just to be heard.

What I saw there was what makes Nashville great. A forum for people to connect. Doing the Nashville Handshake is part of the business. It's the most basic business approach. A better one is having someone else hand your CD across the desk to a buddy with a, "you'll like this, can we give it a listen now?" But let's face it, how often does that happen for the tossed hair, halter and high heel wearing, leather clad disk givers?

Comment by Rand Bishop on April 9, 2011 at 3:12pm: Thanks for your anecdote, Pete. Recently, this guy (who shall remain nameless in this forum) handed me his CD and asked me if I'd give him some feedback on his music. I immediately said, "I'll take it, but I can't guarantee if and when I'll get around to listening."

Usually, quite honestly, unless there is something really intriguing about the person, I tend to stick un-requested CDs in a bag and never feel quite motivated enough to listen. Many of them eventually end up in the trash, still shrink-wrapped. Why? Because I don't know the artist well enough to care. He/she/they haven't piqued my curiosity.

Well, this guy responded by saying, "It's really good!" So, now he's not only forced his music on me, but he's set my expectations very high. A couple of days later, I listened - to portions of three songs, all of which were amateur compositions poorly produced. Another one for the trash. As I care about the environment, the only saving grace is that I now have a CD case I can re-use.

Every one of us brings presumptions that lead to missteps during our first Music City forays. It's really about living and LEARNING. Those who refuse to change the kinds of behavior that burns professional bridges are doomed to complain about how the biz is unfair and they can't get a break. To those people, I say, "Give ME a break! Save your whining for happy hour at the nearest dive bar."

Woooo, weee, feels great to get that off my chest!

Comment by Pete Warren on April 9, 2011 at 12:51pm: Well, while I can't disagree with ANY of what you said, I can add a thought...

When someone bothers to belly up to the bar and ask me to listen to something they've recorded, I actually listen to it, time permitting. Even if their approach is less than admirable.

Many of us have experienced this one dude on facebook. I can't remember his name, but he's from San Diego, or that area at least. He's brash, brutal and prideful. He has literally told many of us on this site that he's one of the most talented singers, songwriters and pianists in the world, and that we need to get on board his train before we're left behind. He said this to me in the first two or three lines of eContact. I had already heard others talk about him, and was up for a little entertainment, so I engaged in the conversation. I asked if he wanted my opinion. He said, "only if it's a good one." Then I said, "well, I am afraid that our conversation must now come to an end." He flipped and basically told me another engineer friend of mine was suffering from borderline personality disorder and was a major sinner, questionable as to his sincerity of belief in Christ. Simply because my friend was honest with him, and told him that he didn't resonate with his work.

So yeah, I get it. These people exist. But most of the people that have had a brash approach to me, you, or others in this business, are doing so while they are shaking in their boots. I'm remembering that I made a nervous fool of myself when I randomly met Chet Atkins. I wasn't even asking him to listen to my stuff. I just kind of fell apart because I was standing and speaking with a legendary musician and a personal hero of mine. I'm sure he got more than a few laughs out of our conversation afterwards. And I can remember early attempts at climbing the ladder where I was just tossing out cassettes, doing the Nashville Handshake. Hell, even now there are times.

Point is, you're talking about not being an asshole and being a likeable guy. I'm just thinking that if we're expecting that from those who "Gherm," then we should perhaps treat those who gherm in the same light, so perhaps it'll rub off on them too. Give them a chance by educating them on how to make that approach to the next guy. Wait, you may be doing that by posting this.

Ok I'm done.

Comment by Tom Drenon on January 16, 2011 at 11:12pm: I totally agree with your post Rand,I get hit all the time with people sending me friend request then doing the "Check out my music thing too. I approved a rapper one time and then they put some kind of player on my page,I didn't notice it for a while and didn't go to my page for a while until a friend brought it up and ask me "what's with the vulgar rap on your page"? It took me about an hour scrolling through page after page berfore I found it and unfriended them.

Glad to know that it bothers other folks too. Big pet peeve of mine.

Thanks

Comment by Rand Bishop on January 12, 2011 at 2:48pm: That's exactly the kind of stuff I'm talkin' about, Dave. It's just as bad as pushing a CD into somebody's hand at an industry function. As you say, "just plain rude!"

Comment by Dave Colvin on January 12, 2011 at 10:58am: Great post Rand and so true!

My biggest irritation with Facebook "friends" occurs when you friend someone and like your experience, they immediately post one of their songs or videos on MY page! I will leave it up for an hour or two so they see it posted and then delete it. If it occurs again they get a message from me explaining life on Dave's page and then if they still repeat the offense, they get unfriended.

Not that my time is that restricted but it is just plain rude! I've told them in messages that if they want to send a link in a message - I may or may not take a look - but never assume they can post it on my page. Now, the exception is someone who is truly a Friend and I'm glad to promote their latest creation.

The other situation I find rude is when someone becomes a "Fan" of mine then sends me a message that since they became my fan that I should become their fan.....wears me out!

Again - great post! Hope to see you soon at Indie Connect sometime!

Dave

Comment by Marshall Allen Taylor on December 24, 2010 at 11:27pm: Excellent, Rand. Excellent.

Comment by Rand Bishop on December 15, 2010 at 10:09am: No imposition (or gherming involved) in asking me to sign a book, Amy. I'm always surprised that anyone would want me to deface one of my books. And, yes, I've had lifelong aspiration to be a Mall Santa. Ho, ho, ho...

Comment by Amy Holden on December 14, 2010 at 9:19pm: Rand, thanks for the wise counsel. As an aspiring artist It certainly is difficult to manage my way through the very complicated Nashville maze and posts like this help a bunch. Would it be gherming though if I asked you to autograph your book for me next time I see you? If I recognize you in your Santa Claus beard that is, ha! Merry Christmas. Amy